Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

Why Ray Rice hit his wife?

September 17, 2014

In most cases of aggression a man physical assault on his woman is a reaction to being refused sex he believes he is “entitled” to, or she is spending too much of “his” money without permission. In the case of successful football players like Ray Rice the number of cases is a bit higher because football is an aggressive profession and successful black football players have more of it in general. I don’t know the circumstances or psychological reasons why Ray Rice hit his woman, but I would like men to tame themselves more and women to avoid triggering the reaction.

Men with a strong libido should be more selective who they marry because most women have a  low libido.  Many divorces happen because of sex and money disagreements, but in most marriages the solution is not a divorce but a life of pretending to be happy (quiet desperation). The husband and the wife settle down to a “soap opera” relationship.  He takes a secret lover and becomes anxious when she snooped around and she becomes depressed from lack of a healthy sex life. Kids are usually born at this low point in the relationship when the parents need something important to share or communicate about, or be a buffer. Psychology calls it indirect relationship or third party relation.

Ray Rice and his wife may choose a good life together if they go for behavioral counseling (1 in 16 do). The goal of BC is to reach a compromise agreement: for him to treat her with love and respect in exchange for better sex and for her to spend his money more wisely, if that is the case here. Behavioral counseling is the simplest counseling there is: behavior is controlled by its consequences, that is it! and if you learn to do it well all negative emotions get deleted from the brain in time.

What about people who shoot people?

July 24, 2012

As a psychologist I wasn’t going to waste my time giving you the real solution to violence in America that I think behavioural psychologists know about, but an “expert” commentator on CNN just said, “Gun control won’t make a difference. An angry person intent on shooting people will find a way.”  The low-level discussion on CNN was about the 2nd Amendment to the US Constitution.  That did it to me because here are young people and kids dying in a theater and “experts” who would probably sink the Titanic – are giving you their mind-set stuff. Do me a favor. I care about dying kids, memorize the following:

People shoot people with guns, thus you have to know about weapons and  behaviors and never separate them.

About weapons you have to obey the 2nd Amendment to the US Constitution that allows a militia to carry arms to protect citizens against a government becoming an oppressive dictatorship. The role of Congress is to specify the kinds weapons allowed to be carried in order to meet the constitutional requirement. Congress never did that. The NRA would probably support such a law. Get your Congress to do that tomorrow or kick the jerks out the next election. Many weapons freely sold today in America are categorically outside the 2nd Amendment jurisdiction. Get to work!

About behaviour the issue is a bit more complex but still easily understood by most people. Know the following rules, (1) All weapons sold in the US must be registered with the FBI, (2) A background check of the individual must be done before the sale, (3) The number of forms the customer is required to fill out must be at least five, if not more, (4) The salesman must be trained to critically observe the behavior of the weapon purchaser, (5)  The background check must include behavioural profile and criminal record, (6) People in the business must be retrained to understand that educational level, poverty, wealth, race, age, sex, ethnicity, sexual orientation oe religion are not why people shoot people, (7) The only category where you will find the answer and the prevention is in Behaviour. People who may (not a sure thing) some day shoot people will manifest certain unacceptable behaviors throughout their lives, and (8) Two of these behaviours are paramount:  (a) They tend to behave too negatively in their relationships  and eventually lose or quit, and (b) They tend to have repeated trouble at work and sooner or later quit, get fired, go bankrupt, stop working and lose motivation to try again, and (9) The solution is to call the mayor!  A community should provide a nice room for people to gather, where a frustrated young person can walk in free, sit down, and join a free facilitation group called, “Learn to love and work the natural way.”

A big improvement with a small rule.

April 17, 2010

You will thank me for this psychological insight that most psychologists won’t even mention. The big improvement in your relationships will be specific: People will do for you more than you do for them and they will love it! The small obscure rule is a part of a  neglected branch of psychology called contingency management of relationships. The small obscure rule says, Be fair but don’t do anything for free. Charge people something for your services even if they deserve these services free. Sure, do something for them for treating you well, but do it in small pieces, occasionally, and without flair. Give them a discount for being helpful, but don’t give it to them free, whatever it is.. When they do something well for you, if you say “thank you” their good behavior will happen again and again, but if you pay the “full price” for it, they will do less and less for you – and excuses will replace the relationship. “I’m sorry I forgot to do it” would become the new rule of the day. You will be taken for granted for being too generous. This is human nature. Get out of the “Box.”

Dr. Kinarthy on love and conflict!

April 14, 2010

Love is the most common expression in human relationships, conflict comes a close second. You already know from my previous professional revelations that most of my colleagues are “politically correct” and will not tell you hardly anything like it is! I will, so pay close attention because the points that I make will give you the power to respond your best in love relationships or during conflict:

True love in a relationship is never “unconditional,” and is not “chemistry” or “sexuality” or  “kind words.” True love is a “spiritual” state of overcoming the mind and willing to sacrifice something of yourself to the object of your love because you receive something in return that you consider important or  “special.” The “sacrifice” must be in the form of performing  a meaningful “service,” and/or giving “a product” to the object of your love, and receiving a meaningful “service” or a “product.” True love is nurtured by consciousness which makes sure that the “exchange” is growth promoting, feels natural, and is balanced.

Conflict is always mental and physical, never spiritual: You believe that you give more than you receive, and you get physical about it because it is important to you to receive more. There is no such thing as “spiritual” conflict except in the mind, which makes it also mental. The resolution of conflict is always in the favor of the stronger party if it is willing to demonstrate its strength while showing respect and fairness to the weaker party.

The above descriptions of true love and conflict resolution are easy to follow if you can answer the  “true-false” questions: (1) It is worse for your relationship to say “let me make it up to you,” than to say, “I am sorry about what I did.”  (2) It is better  to say on his birthday, “George, I love you very much” than to give him something or do something that you know will please him. (3) It is better for the relationship to say, “please don’t hit me again” than to physically restrain an opponent that assaults you.” (4) It is worse for the relationship to punish someone for a destructive behavior, than to give him a second chance to fix the damage. (5) In a true love relationship between a newly wed couple, it is OK for a partner to say, “I will make love to you as soon as I am ready to have a baby.” (6) In conflict resolution, it is better to warn your enemy first rather than retaliate first and then warn him against a second attack. (7) Showing kindness to someone who attacks you can work only if he sees you as a person who genuinely wants peace. You have great insight about relationships if you answered all false.

Can humans have a relationship with God?

March 3, 2010

You have a relationship with God, whether you like it or not. Like your relationship with your parents, God is an entity in your brain that your relationship with is “mutually exclusive.” I have a perfect life. I got up this morning and decided to go “channel surfing” for a topic that would enlighten my listeners, or at least revive your self-image, and bingo, “Joy TV” paid programming pops up. Faisal says, “You have a relationship with God.” I listen, but I hear the same old stuff about having faith, etc. I thought, “God deserves better than that,” so here is the scientific truth:

The so-called “dark matter” in the Universe is made of what some scientists call “Free Monads.” Your brain has at least 10 to the power of 27 concentration of Free Monads in the Pineal gland (serotonin and melatonin area) and the Frontal Lobe (frontal lobotomy causes a severe loss of consciousness). A Free Monad is a unit of conscious energy with its own veracity and purposiveness that preexisted the Universe. When you focus your thoughts and feelings inwardly toward your consciousness, you WILL experience a profound feeling, a glimpse of your relationship with the God within (soul), and the God without (spirit), IF the aggregate of pure Monads in your pineal gland and frontal lobe (Cortex), or in cosmic space, approve of the way you live your life (peace, love, respect for nature, creatures, people, etc.). A person who can become genuine and authentic WILL acquire a profound relationship with God. Your life becomes amazing – everything improves!

No scientist that has ever researched what God’s energy particles are, has ever put this information on the Internet as far as I know. I just felt deeply this morning that the time has come to introduce God to the educated among you as a real entity, that Universal Consciousness that really exists. Imagine, 1648: Sir Newton steals Calculus from Dr. Leibnitz, the mathematical genius who discovers God’s particles and calls God the “Grand Monad.” Newton says, “I hate this man.” I hope you keep an open mind, tune inward tonight, and think about God as the entity in your brain that provides your awareness (cogito ergo sum).  And, your life becomes amazing when you also learn to appreciate those Monads that are ‘bound into Matter,’ those Monads that have given up their spiritual freedom so you can have a physical universe.

I know it’s hard to move on beyond the wonders of religion, but if you accept (behaviorally) the above information, and you become an authentic human being, you will have a relationship with God that goes beyond assumptions, a relationship that goes all the way back to the purpose of creation. Good luck! I care!

Infidelity can be prevented.

February 20, 2010

C   Infidelity in relationships can be stopped, but the cost to society will be too high. CNN will lose income, people will lose interest in the news, tabloids will sell less, cheaters will get less sex or romance, lawyers will lose the “Cramer Vs. Cramer” clients, estates will go uncontested, the economy will lose 10% of its gross domestic products without domestic problems. Sure, domestic violence will stop too, but are you sure you want that drastic change in society? Even Obama may object to my suggestion.

Hey, I’m not a teen ager on lover’s lane, I’m a serious psychologist, so you better listen, especially if infidelity infests the lives of your friends and relatives. Learn ONE rule, as I have posted it on Facebook this month – learn Contingency Management of Relationships (CMR), that’s it!

I know, you want me to tell you how to apply the rule. The smart ones checked it out on Google, but that wasn’t enough for knowing how to apply it. Well, get serious about relationships and I will tell you a lot more in the next few postings. You see, relationships isn’t a trivia game, it’s the darn serious game of life! Tiger, don’t turn into a sheep either!