Posts Tagged ‘love’

What to do when your friend does something you don’t like?

May 9, 2016

One of the reasons I became a psychologist besides my desire to make more money than my dad, was my desire to avoid and “fix” difficult situations with family members or friends. I dreaded living a life of quiet desperation as poet Thorough would say. For many years of practicing psychology, counseling and teaching I enjoyed being an island of Joy in a sea of human social discomfort. I brought it up this morning to benefit those of you who want peace. I just dismissed a friend for good!

I will not mention names and I will not describe the problem behavior because the problems are generic and universal, applicable to most situations, let’s us say that you want him/her out of your life. Specifically, What is the best way to behave when that person you befriended and expected fun started to behave in a way that generated resentment in you and conflicting thoughts. The unacceptable behavior “hooked your mind” on it and you did not like or approve it to the point that you want him/her to leave permanently!

  1. Make sure you really don’t want him/her around anymore.
  2. Be polite, assertive and short, say please, and find a neutral sentence, don’t tell your truth!
  3. Great sentences are: “Please leave, it’s time for you to go.” Repeat the sentence if necessary, don’t explain when they ask Why? You may say “It’s my final decision, thank you for going, I wish you the best.” “Please respect my desire for peace.”  ” Thank you for leaving.”  “I insist on having my privacy back. Respect my wishes.”  The things not to do is get physical or critical or explaining, etc. Focus on your need only! Don’t make the other person feel guilty, having less self-esteem, rejected, “it’s time to go” is a great closure. “I need my privacy” is great too. Don’t open up a possibility of staying or returning. Be resolute with your voice, repeat, be on the cool side, not warm, I know, it’s the art of salesperson! “Time to depart,” is good too. I think you got it, don’t drag it on. the worse you can do when they ask Why? is to tell them, they will disagree and react and all hell will get loose…

Genesis 12:3. In thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.

March 22, 2016

This wonderful promise, “In thee I will bless all the families of the earth,” made by a Hebrew Messiah Yehoshua Ben Yosef called Jesus of Nazareth by a confused Greek translator, was preceded by another promise, a scary warning by God himself who continued, “…but I will curse all those who curse thee.” Now, has God fulfilled these 2 promises? Well, skeptics would like to say, “Only time will tell.” I would say, “Let’s see.”  We need no other proof than to look at history. Are most of the nations on earth that truly love Abraham in word and deed flourish?  It certainly appears that way. Are most of the nations on earth that hate the Jews and appear to curse Abraham descendents are cursed? It certainly appear that way too. Based on history may be it’s time to change to peace and respect for the descendents of Abraham before it’s too late. I will list no names of those who should change their hehavior. People can look at their own countries and they could guess who is miserable and need to change. Good luck. Loving Abraham is a blessing.

T sense of assertiveness or the sense of humility?

March 20, 2016

Very few psychologists retire and open a free blog to help people make this world better. Very few psychologists of my caliber and assertiveness level open a WordPress free blog to help people insist on having a better world. Very few Jewish psychologists of my knowledge and experience in relationships, science and spirituality open a great WordPress blog to really lead people who listen to understand “Tikun Olam.” this Great God Given Glob (GGGG) we live on. The first rule I want you to adopt is the Rule of Clarity: The human Mind is the place where lack of clarity about life has accumulated from the moment of birth, the more humility your parents had the more uncertainty you feel.  The growing human Self or Soul is the place where crystal clarity always exists as the clarity of God about his creation. Did you ever experience a situation where you should have said, “Yes, I would love to see you tomorrow at 7,” and instead you blurted, “I will try to make it, it depends….”  Oy Vey, try to lift a book, you can’t, you can either lift the book or you don’t. The word “Trying” means to the subconscious of the other person that you really don’t want to see him/her. You made a “whishi woshi” decision.  You lost something that could have been great. People with a personality permeated with humility always lose something that could have been beneficial. Lack of clarity and assertiveness is a ticket to all kinds of deprivations in life. It’s funny if not pathetic that people who experience life as Scarcity always believe in poor Austerity programs to fight it, not clarity! And they exhibit a sense of deep humility and envy when they meet assertive people to the point that many say they met an arrogant person (As a psychologist I meet a lot of people on Boards, even on VCRC, my board, who called me arrogant!).  Jealousy hurt relationships, but please, bless your assertiveness, it is worth a lot more in life than changing into humility. The second rule you want to adopt is The Rule of  Black and White: The human Mind is the place in the head where the experience of lack of clarity always leads to a belief in “gray areas,” a doubt about making decisions that work! In other words, people with a mind full of the sense of humility will always lack the assertiveness of making decisions that work. For example. I am very very assertive personality. In 1987 after seeing the movie Toy Story and reading the biography of Lucas and Steven Jobs, I was certain that Pixar and Apple were big winner. I bought shares for $14 each. The rest is history. The belief that life has shades of gray comes from having humility that prevent you from researching the additional information you need to see clarity that the situation is actually black or white. Most people live a life of “quiet desperation,” (check out the term on Google) and start living big time, with clarity, assertiveness and making decisions that work. By the way, in his book “Slow Thinking, Fast thinking,” Dr. Daniel Cahneman, Nobel Price psychologist, 2002, says, “Humans are lazy, you have to nudge them to research things before they decide.”  OK, Daniel, I am nudging my readers, “Hey, dear reader, push your gray areas to the side and find the clarity you need before you decide the major decisions in your life: Who to marry, how to love, how many kids to have, how to raise them with clear values, what clear career to build your life on, who to clearly choose as your 1-3 best friends, what physical activity is clearly the best to do for health and finally, be clear what food and drink to have to prolong your good life (read my next posting too, you’d be amazed).

 

The second rule I want you to adopt

“I scratche your back, you scratch mine” may save a marriage!

March 15, 2016

Most marriages in the Western world start in balance. Every 7 years or so an imbalance creeps in, she does more for him than he does for her or he does more for her than she does for him. Arguments ensue, sometimes over trivia, that undermine the love relationship if one aims to win the argument over the other (it’s like saying that my argument is more important to me than you). It leaves resentment, jealousy, hurt feelings, indifference, fear, anxiety and anger, even hostility, etc. Often the couple goes to counseling, which usually doesn’t help but because the “product” is usually expensive someone will pretend that it helped. Sounds familiar?

“I scratch your back and you scratch mine” is an art that behavioral psychologists will push on clients because it works (counselors will say that it doesn’t work), that is if you do it assertive in a pleasant “bartering” way. For example, “How about I will take the trash out and you can rub my back tonight, OK?”  The number and kind of bartering is as numerous as your imagination. If you do it right you add value to the relationship, Tonight, for example, my wife asked me to drive someone home at 10:30 PM. I said, “How about watching a TV movie and being together when I come back at 11:30?” The rationale is that unprotected balance in any relationship becomes terrible imbalance in time. Even your relationship with God. Since He doesn’t barter most people end asking  God to do for them a lot more things that they would ever expect to do for Him – especially listening!

The worse relationship in life is unconditional love. Sooner or later that person get nothing in return. The air we breath freely is a good example. It loves us unconditionally, look what we have done to it. The best relationship is conditional where you get 51% and give 49%! Enjoy and be a little selfish, just a little!

Believe in yourself!!!!!!

March 22, 2014

Why should you choose to listen to what Dr. Kinarthy says to you? There are 100 “shrinks” you don’t ever remember what they wrote or said. You should listen to me because I have proven that I know what it takes to find love, be happy, successful, healthy and live a meaningful long life. I know what I am talking about! I took a boat from Israel to the US in December 1960, I came with nothing, my shoes had holes in them and the snow froze my feet, I had no brains at 24 to even know how to spare a buck for a hamburger in Manhattan, negative attitude,  but I had huzpa to tell people off who questioned my dream, will it come through, my dream! I had a dream to get a PhD in behavioral psychology and define my life by what I do right, not by what I think wrong!

Believe in yourself!!!! I am now 77 and my dream has been fulfilled years ago! I’ll tell you that you don’t need to get a PhD in anything to believe in yourself!  Make your life big time by pretending that it is! What you need to do is learn to behave right, that’s it!! Behave! Yah, as simple as that! positive Behavior ! Never tell the truth to anyone if you can’t do something. Believe in yourself 100% and in your behavior 1000%. Show others that you are worth it, no matter what!!! Got it? No matter what!!! Pretend if you have to play Shakespeare. If you don’t feel right about yourself, make sure that no one knows! Pretend again and again! Dr. Jerome Bruner the great psychologist said it all when he proclaimed, “Lie in the service of the truth, buddy, pretend that you are OK.  Be alright because you say so, don’t tell the truth if it’s bad, follow Shakespeare’s Life’s a stage and I am an actor. What else can I tell you: Believe in yourself  in your behavior, not in your mind, there you never will win, no one does except when they pretend what they do. Self confidence is an appearance that sips in, it’s a behavior. My study shows that you start laughing as soon as you get what I say in its depth. The truth about life makes you laugh. I know, you won’t get sympathy if you pretend to feel great. I quit smoking 40 years ago by pretending that it was easy to do and got no sympathy. That is how my dream turned into a reality, through a pretended behavior! If you don’t understand what I am saying to you, that’s OK. My old dream is a reality. I live in a palace. I conquered stage four prostate cancer and bone cancer. I have a beautiful aquatic instructor wife who is smart and loves me. I have four kids. Hay, you can do it too, show that you believe in yourself through verbal and nonverbal behavior only, that is all you need to do. Do you still feel that you want to know why? Hey…get out of here…

A Christmas gift from God

December 27, 2013

Dear humans,

I am God. I created you in my image, as it says in Genesis. You got that one right. You liked my image so much that you tried to recreate me in your image in your church. If you succeeded your religion would have been perfect. You see, you created me in your cultural image. You left out the most divine gift that I gave you, your divine ability to distinguish between a sign that I sent you and common signs that you pick up from your environment. Real sad!

Signed,

YAHVEH.

Dear students,

My name is Dr. Elior Kinarthy. I taught psychology and parapsychology at a California college for 26 years. My specialty was to teach students how to identify the difference between a signal directed to you from the Universal consciousness and a more common signal that you pick up from the environment. Today I will give you a scientific Christmas gift from Universal Consciousness (UC):  “Dear students, God designed your lungs to breathe about 10 deep breaths per minute of clean natural air. He knew that you’d forget to do so and end breathing 15-20 shallow breaths per minute of polluted air resulting in ill-health, so He gave you a mask and consciousness to remind you.” Start breathing right and let me know within a month how you fee so I can give you God’s second gift. You see, God sent me a signal right now, “Don’t waste my gifts of those that won’t use them.’

Dr. Kahneman said it all!

November 10, 2013

It is frustrating to me that I can’t reach you with 40 years of experience as a psychologist. You have become cynical about on-line information. I want so much, brother and sister, to help you to improve your lives that I decided to approach you through the only psychologist who was so knowledgeable that he “stole” the Nobel Price in economics in 2002 and woke up millions of well-meaning economists to look at their hate of psychologists (psychologists could not publish studies in economic journals for 70 years). I figured out that if you can’t listen to Daniel reaching you the whole thing is hopeless.  You are not what we call mind-full or brain-empty. You are much more unique than that. You are probably so brain washed internally that if you looked at your life 10 years ago you would see how it would look like 10 years from now. You live life of quiet desperation without realizing the full meaning of the word. Wake up!

Dr.Kahneman simply said that if you learn how to make decisions (System 2) your life would improve. If you learn how to assess the risk of making those decisions your life would improve even more. And, if you learn how to ignore System 1 while making those decisions your life wold improve the most. Now, get to work making the right decisions under risk in three ares: Your love relationships, your financial situations and your health.

Is a cup of coffee in the morning more than a cup of coffee?

August 8, 2013

I am a psychologist so if I have a joyous anticipation for something mundane that is stronger than I think it should be – I check it out. Well, it’s the cup of coffee that I am thinking of making myself when I am done with this posting. Dr. Kahneman, the Nobel Price winner (2002) found out that a dime found by his students on the copying-machine made them report great happiness on a questionnaire! I am my own case study right now. Just thinking about making my great cup of coffee makes me feel joy! …and I am not overweight or craving…just wait till I sit in my office chair and drink it. We humans are crazy if you look at this inner behavior objectively, this inner joy over a cup of coffee or finding a dime on a copying machine, but we are not crazy. Besides, as a psychologist, what’s important to me is to create many small experiences so I can have joy throughout the day. Now I will go and make myself the cup of joy. How wonderful and ridiculous it is. Have a great day and don’t forget your tea, dude.

Culture of medicine!

March 4, 2013

I was watching TV this morning. I set through five drug commercials and my mind started thinking. When I heard “Talk to your doctor” repeated 12 times in one hour I decided to tell the American people to get off that craziness about taking pills for every little infliction they have. I instantly coined the term “Culture of Medicine,” and started posting. Mind you, the American people spend more money on drugs than any other people on earth, and the country is only number 17 in health in the world! Do you know what I do for heart burns? I stop eating processed meat and junk food. I used to have migraine headache untill I changed my diet to natural food and pure drink. You won’t see me drinking any fruit blend drinks to save a buck like I did twenty years ago. Now the label has to say “pure pomegranate juice or pure apple juice, etc. before I touch it. I got off the culture of medicine by a conscious act of my self-loving heart. You can too! Medicine is good for you when you absolutely need it, not when it is dictated to you by suppliers looking for your business. The culture of medicine is almost as bad for the American people as the culture of violence. Get off it!

Someone asked me what have I replaced my culture of medicine with twenty years ago when I was fifty-six? I said, Culture of Love. Do you want me to post anything on that?

Soul mates marry for a life of happiness!

August 14, 2012

I am a behavioural psychologist. I taught a college accredited parapsychology research course at Rio Hondo College in California for 25 years, one of the few transferable 3 units courses on the paranormal ever taught in  higher education. Most individuals don’t marry their soul mates. After lecture one day Mary came to my office with a question, “Dr. Kinarthy, what do I have to do to find my soul mate?” Other students were interested but couldn’t cross the line from “material I have to study for a test” to “psychic stuff that I can use to help me live better.”

“Mary, do you date?” “Yes.” “Can you act?” “Yes.” “Have you been married before?” “Yes.” “When did you split?” “May 3, 1987.” “Do you date again?” “Yes.” “Good, when you go on a date inadvertently ask your date what he/she did or felt on that day.” The one who says “I was very happy, but I didn’t exactly know why,” may be your soul mate.” “You have to practice it a few times. One student had a bad car accident on September 9, 1996. One of his dates in 1998 cried for no apparent reason when he mentioned that date without the story!” Most of my married students didn’t marry their intended partner and tended to feel that something was missing in their relationships. The theory is simple: An intended soul mate you didn’t meet yet may feel significantly good or bad when something good or bad happens to you before you met. Go for the search and let me know what you discovered!.