Posts Tagged ‘counseling’

Why Ray Rice hit his wife?

September 17, 2014

In most cases of aggression a man physical assault on his woman is a reaction to being refused sex he believes he is “entitled” to, or she is spending too much of “his” money without permission. In the case of successful football players like Ray Rice the number of cases is a bit higher because football is an aggressive profession and successful black football players have more of it in general. I don’t know the circumstances or psychological reasons why Ray Rice hit his woman, but I would like men to tame themselves more and women to avoid triggering the reaction.

Men with a strong libido should be more selective who they marry because most women have a  low libido.  Many divorces happen because of sex and money disagreements, but in most marriages the solution is not a divorce but a life of pretending to be happy (quiet desperation). The husband and the wife settle down to a “soap opera” relationship.  He takes a secret lover and becomes anxious when she snooped around and she becomes depressed from lack of a healthy sex life. Kids are usually born at this low point in the relationship when the parents need something important to share or communicate about, or be a buffer. Psychology calls it indirect relationship or third party relation.

Ray Rice and his wife may choose a good life together if they go for behavioral counseling (1 in 16 do). The goal of BC is to reach a compromise agreement: for him to treat her with love and respect in exchange for better sex and for her to spend his money more wisely, if that is the case here. Behavioral counseling is the simplest counseling there is: behavior is controlled by its consequences, that is it! and if you learn to do it well all negative emotions get deleted from the brain in time.

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“I managed to become more assertive without being perceived as arrogant by others.”

June 25, 2014

A woman said to her counselor, “I managed to become more assertive without being perceived as arrogant by others.” Think about it for a minute. Is it possible? I have been an assertive psychologist for 40 years and I haven’t been able to achieve what that woman said she achieved. May be she acquired a perceived imaginary assertiveness (PIA), not real assertiveness. When I crossed the red line and became really an assertive person I acquired the label of the arrogant professor. My closest colleagues, friends, business associates and family members criticized me for doing seances, hypnotizing for past lives and telling students that Newton stole the calculus formula from Leibnitz and ridiculed him for discovering – God! Many of my students were saying, Dr. Kinarthy, he thinks that he know everything.’  The woman getting the counseling above is probably more assertive than she was before the counseling sessions began but she is not really assertive.

Mohammad Ali said he was the greatest boxer in the world years before he won the heavy title in the arena. Are you arrogant if you claim to know yourself or your future? Are you aware of your great knowledge and think you are gifted? I love my so-called arrogance, I help people become great too by giving them answers to questions no one else that I know can give! For example, do you know why 1000 psychiatrists threw eggs at Dr. Freud in a convention in Vienna in 1890? Why was innocent Luigi arrested in 1860 for bringing a tomato to the US? What was wrong with the thinking of Adam Smith? What’s wrong today with the thinking of Obama? Does it have to do with ignorance of psychology? Does he reward bad behaviors around the world without knowing it? Is he stupid? I answer questions others can’t answer: How many units of consciousness constitute an average soul in science? What is God’s body made of? Do you remain 100% yourself  if you lose your legs and 2 arms in a car accident and think you are somebody else? Is an obese person has an obese mind, brain, both? There are millions of questions that professionals can’t answer but I can. Am I arrogant or perfect? I bought Apple, Google, IBM and Facebook years ago for cheap, Am I arrogant to say that I am a gifted investor? Are you perfect if you know the flaws and weaknesses you posses? (the answer is YES). Woman, if your relationship with a man doesn’t work, do you know it has nothing to do with what you two are doing together? Did you know that most of the important decisions in your life you do without enough thinking? In short, if you are called arrogant, laugh it off if you know that you really have the knowledge and skills that you claim to have! Go brag about it, it’s OK. And, about being assertive to the hilt with others, always remember when you feel nervous talking with your boss or other people that the probability is there that they would have sunk the Titanic while you were building the ark.

My response.

April 7, 2013

Dr. Eli Kinarthy • Dear Jorelle,
Your friend is among 90% of the people unconsciously creating a personal stage and acting out a hidden life style common to the majority of folks (Freud, Shakespeare). It is well-known in psychology that a central behavior of Humans from the moment of birth is to seek out meaning to their lives. About 10% succeed. The majority cope with their persistent feeling of “existential emptiness” by pretending in public that it isn’t there.

A transformational change from being in the 90% to being in the 10% is possible but difficult. That is why the 10% hasn’t changed. People who try the transformational change from -1 to +1 have to go through 0 (nothing). They don’t know how to do it (first step is meditation) so they settle for pretending that they got it. As you can see, the issue is not easy to understand. I am a 76-year-old retired psychologist. Look at my face on this recent picture and you will get a sense that I succeeded in switching from the 90 to the 10 years ago. The best that I can suggest to your friend is: Go to http://www.drelior.wordpress.com and read everything and the “10% rule.” Even better, take it all seriously. Start from my website to get to know me, http://www.cancer-vcrc.org. I help people. Of course, there is one thing that can by-pass all the hard work involved in transformation to the 10% and that is FIND TRUE LOVE, but that is so hard to do that most people who try end pretending that they found it. Self deception is your starting point in life!

Marriage: Primary, secondary and tertiary preventions of divorce.

March 16, 2012

The majority of couples whose marriage is threatened will use tertiary prevention: They cross the line of no return waiting too long to salvage what they can financially and emotionally. She gets the house, he gets the car, they split the retirement savings. Who gets the kids? It’s a mess. A sizeable minority use secondary prevention: They go to counseling. They don’t cross the line of no return. Most counselors are trained in “classical,” not “Behavioral” intervention. Couples in traditional counseling may or may not get the divorce but one thing is certain – they won’t be as happy as they were at the beginning of the relationship.  A small minority of couples seek out primary prevention: They go to see a “Behavioral coach,” a trained person that goes straight to the point:

Session one: “John and Mary, let’s hear from each one of you for 30 minutes about your commitment and intention to stay together and rekindle your love for each other. I will rate you on a Likert Scale of C and I. We will not only save your marriage if you pass the scale value but we will reverse the trend! You will be happy together.”

Session two: “John and Mary, today I want to hear from each one of you what sexual and romantic behavior you intend to perform this week to please your partner. Start small!”

Session three: “Mary and John, today I want to hear from each one of you what financial behavior you intend to engage in this week that you believe is acceptable to your partner.’ Start small!”

Session four:  “Mary and John, today I want to hear from each one of you how respectful your behavior will be this week toward in-laws, his/her friends, etc.”

Psychological frame-work  for behavioral coaching: Unfortunately, you will need a great behavioral coach that knows the rules that will ensure success (not many do). I can’t list all of them on a blog but here are two important ones. They are different from what you would expect, different a lot from the rules you get in counseling. For example, negative thoughts are allowed to be expressed only in mime, positive thoughts are expressed in behavior. Emotions, negative or positive, can be expressed either way. You must be able to show me in behavior that you know the difference between explaining things and describing them. I will post more of these amazing rules only if the public shows interest in primary prevention of divorce and ensuring a good marriage.

BUDDHA: “THE MIND IS THE SLAYER OF THE TRUTH.”

May 31, 2011

Yes, that is what the father of Buddhism said about the human mind. Add to that the sayings by the father of Psychoanalysis, Freud, “The mind is the beast in the cellar,” or Aristotle, the great philosopher,  “The mind is the genie in your head,” or Gordon Allport, the great psychologist, “The mind is functionally independent of you,” or the Bible, “The mind always calculates,” or the myriad of other statements about the human mind such as “The disowned Self, the mind that can do anything it wants,’ and you get the picture: YOUR MIND GENERATES ALL THE DECISIONS IN YOUR LIFE, AND THOSE DECISIONS THAT DON’T WORK YOU BLAME –  ON YOURSELF OR OTHERS. YOUR  MIND  CAN RUIN YOUR LIFE AND GET AWAY WITH IT. IF ANYONE EVER DID TO YOU WHAT YOUR MIND DOES TO YOU, YOU WILL DISAVOW YOURSELF FROM THAT PERSON!

Now, the irony of that truth above is that it is so easy to change for the better, to become more wealthy, healthy and happy. Forget Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP), counseling, psychotherapy, confession, all programs to change the mind. All you need to do is SAY AND DO GOOD THINGS NO MATTER WHAT’S IN YOUR HEAD! You see, there is no way you can change your negative thoughts and feelings except by contrary verbal or nonverbal action! There is no other way.

I am a 75-year-old retired psychologist. Thirty years ago I decided to quit smoking. How did I do it? I changed what I was saying to people, my behavior changed, not my cravings. The cravings disappeared after a week when my MIND realized that I chose to “lie in the service of the truth” as Dr. Brunner, the great psychologist would call it. On the first day without a cigaret, a fried asked me, “Would you like a cigaret?” I said, “No, I have no craving for a cigaret, no desire to smoke, in fact I can’t even smell the smoke in the room anymore.” A week later I said, “Quitting smoking is the easiest thing to do in life.” Everyone turned to look at me (you know the look) because they didn’t know that I was “lying in the service of the truth.” Only my MIND knew that I finally decided to pick up the only psychological tool that is always stronger than the MIND – lying in the service of the truth! My mind changed and became my ally!

I have given you today the most powerful psychological tool to change your life, make more money, have better health and happiness. Remember, what you say can change your life. Telling the truth if its negative will ruin your life (you’ll always wonder but you’ll never know why things don’t work for you). Go for lying but do it the correct way, not your mind’s way. Be careful, your mind will try to take over the process and slay the truth that Buddha just gave you through me. Good luck!

My response to Tracy Farley on Facebook.

January 17, 2010

This is the first time that what I put on Facebook beats my ‘stuff’ on this blog. My response to Tracy about how  young people can find themselves, was good. The inspiration to remember a real story about a Mexican mutt came from her, Tracy is inspiring, a fine human being. We connected originally on Facebook because we both believe in – UFOs.

Hey, everyone, join real discussions for a change. Life is to explore.